When was the last time you spent hours talking to someone, completely absorbed in the conversation, without once feeling the urge to pick up your phone and check your social media? Can you even remember a moment like that? How did it feel?
For many of us, those moments have become rare — almost like a forgotten art. Lately, I’ve been trying to observe the people around me and identify behavioral patterns, and it’s made me realize just how much we’ve lost the ability to truly connect. Sure, we all notice these things subconsciously, but when you start observing with purpose, it can reveal some surprising insights. Adding a bit of introspection into the mix makes it even more eye-opening.
What I’m about to share isn’t revolutionary — it’s been said, studied, and most of you are probably already aware of it. I’m not claiming to be an expert on the topic since it’s not exactly within my field of study. But here’s the thing I’ve noticed: we don’t really listen anymore, and that’s making our conversations increasingly shallow and unsatisfying.
Are we really engaging online?
In her insightful book from 2021, Kate Murphy talks about the 90-9-1 rule of the internet. It’s simple: 90% of users are passive observers, 9% contribute occasionally, and only 1% generate the actual content. This isn’t scientific proof — it varies from platform to platform — but it does reveal something significant. Only 1% of users feel they have something important to say and are willing to dedicate the time (and sometimes money) to make it visible. Naturally, what drives engagement more than anything is controversy and outrage.
As a result, we end up trapped in echo chambers or, worse, become so disillusioned that we refuse to engage with anything that might be unpleasant or challenging. The real downside, though, is that our declining listening skills make it harder to have meaningful, valuable interactions.
Why is it this way?
I think we’ve all experienced that awkward feeling when our phone dies and we can’t charge it right away. Suddenly, we feel lonely, anxious, and disconnected. The reality is, we’re so used to the constant dopamine hits from our devices that we struggle to function without them.
Research supports this observation. Dr. Gloria Mark from the University of California found that our ability to focus has drastically diminished. In 2004, we could stay focused on a single screen for about 2.5 minutes. Today, that’s down to just 47 seconds. Meanwhile, a study by King’s College London showed that adults in the UK think they check their phones around 25 times a day, but the real number is closer to 80. This constant checking chips away at our concentration and makes it harder to engage deeply in conversations.
Add to that the overwhelming influx of information and the habit of multitasking, and it’s no wonder we struggle to maintain focus. This cognitive overload leads to what’s called “media fatigue,” making us less inclined to participate in long, meaningful discussions.
But it’s not just about screens. I believe the pandemic played a role as well. We’ve become so accustomed to asynchronous digital communication that face-to-face interactions now feel rare, even exhausting.
The role of discipline and empathy
Beyond all these external factors, there’s one crucial aspect we can control: discipline. We’ve become too comfortable with distraction, and it’s eroding our ability to engage meaningfully. Sure, it’s easy to blame technology or the pandemic, but at the end of the day, it’s also about our own habits and choices.
Here are some tips to rebuild that lost discipline and improve our interactions:
- Practice active listening: When someone is speaking, really listen. Put away your phone, make eye contact, and focus on what they’re saying without immediately thinking about how you’ll respond.
- Limit digital distractions: Try scheduling “phone-free” times during the day or leaving your phone in another room when you’re having a conversation. It might feel strange at first, but you’ll be surprised at how much deeper your conversations can become (I am lucky to be doing this regularly although not always by choice).
- Set boundaries for social media: Consider limiting your time on social platforms. Apps that track your usage can be helpful in making you aware of just how much time you’re spending online.
- Be more intentional: Whether it’s reading a book or listening to a podcast, commit to focusing on it fully. Training your mind to engage deeply in one task at a time can spill over into better conversational skills.
- Foster empathy: Conversations aren’t just about exchanging information; they’re also about understanding the other person’s perspective. Try to genuinely connect, even if you don’t fully agree. There’s growth to be experienced from active listening.
- Don’t assume you got the point in the first 30 seconds. People change. Even if you know what they might say, that shouldn’t stop you from listening actively. You might find out a thing or two about the person next to you.
I guess the point is to make the conscious choice to be present and to truly listen — something that, in our hyper-connected world, might just be the rarest skill of all. And people do like to be listened to.
